Fat Friday: Chocolate Bread

Oh, would you look at that? You've hit the jackpot today, man. I'm your new best friend.

I began baking these Wednesday. I'll be packaging up 15 loaves to give away during teacher/staff appreciation week at school next week. And some for us too, if Katie has anything to say about it.

Have you noticed that all my sweets lately have been chocolate? Really, if it doesn't have chocolate in it I just don't want to waste my time. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something important. Oooooh, maybe my chocolate levels are dangerously low. Maybe they've fallen out of therapeutic range.

Yeah, that's it - I'm baking chocolate recipes for my health. Let me tell you - it ROCKS living in this fantasy world of mine!

OK, now that you're scared, wanna go bake something?

This is what you'll need:

2-1/2 c. flour

1 t. baking soda

1 t. baking powder

2/3 c. brown sugar

1 stick butter, softened

2 eggs

2 t. vanilla

1 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips, melted

1 1/2 c. applesauce

1/2 c. mini, semi-sweet chocolate chips

You're looking at that weird-looking stuff in the measuring cup, aren't you? I'll bet you're thinking,

"Why is Karenpie putting salsa in chocolate bread? Gross."

Yes, that would be gross. And it isn't salsa, it's pear sauce that I'm substituting for applesauce. The pear sauce produced during my canning fest last fall. The pear sauce over which I slaved for my dear children who won't eat it to save their lives. Ungrateful little . . . okay, I admit it. I won't eat it either. Too grainy. It's only suitable for eating when you don't know you're eating it.

I also need to point out the Taco Bell wrappers in the background of the above picture. Let's get a better shot of my kitchen, shall we?

Here's the big picture - messy kitchen counter and all. See, I'm much too busy blogging about food to actually feed my family nutritious meals. It's a good thing I have my priorities straight.

Back to the chocolate bread.

Cream the butter and sugar together. It should take several minutes and will turn a light golden color. It will look very - ready for it? - creamy. While this is going on, measure the flour, soda and baking powder into a separate bowl.

I should tell you I doubled the recipe in these pictures. When you see me using too many eggs, in the pictures coming up, don't say to yourselves, "What a doofus. She did it wrong." Because you'll be wrong and you'll feel bad about calling me a doofus. Even though it's probably deserved.

Here's the thing - as much as I love, love, LOVE my new mixer, I've found it's too big for certain things. Things like creaming butter and sugar together if I'm using only one stick of butter. So, bummer - I have to make twice as many loaves of chocolate bread because my mixer is big.

Seriously, any advice from those of you who use a 6-qt KitchenAid? (Anonymous Dudey? You still out there? You have one of these big boys, don't you?) Do you have a hand-mixer for smaller recipes? Not that I'm complaining about making double batches of chocolate bread - that's what my garage freezer is for. But still.

Back to the recipe - add the eggs to the creamed mixture, one at a time. You'll need to scrape the bowl frequently, to get it thoroughly mixed.

Add the vanilla . . .

. . . then the melted chocolate. Will you look at that? I mean, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT? That's therapy, that's what it is. Get me a straw, man.

When it's all incorporated, it'll look like this. Scrape the bowl again, getting all the way down to the bottom because creamed butter and sugar is still hiding down there and you won't know it until you put the batter in your pans to bake.

Then you'll feel like a doofus.

Next, you'll add some of the applesauce, then some of the flour mixture. Keep alternating between the two until everything is mixed in.

Finally, fold in the mini chocolate chips and give it a good mix.

Divide between 2, greased 9x5 pans or 6, greased mini loaf pans . The batter will be very stiff and heavy. Bake at 350 degrees - 30-35 minutes for the minis or 1 hour for the regular size pans. Stick a toothpick in the middle to check. It should come out clean.

Cool the loaves in the pans for 10 minutes, then turn out onto a rack to cool completely.

Once they're completely cooled, you can glaze them with a yummy frosting. I took no pictures of this part of the process. I was too busy being a doofus and feeding my kids fast food. Here's the recipe:

1/2 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips

1 T. butter

5 t. water

1/2 c. powdered sugar

1/4 t. vanilla

Melt the chips, butter and water in the microwave. Heat them in 30-second intervals, stirring between. When it's melted and smooth, stir in the powdered sugar and vanilla. This will be a fairly runny frosting. I used a fork and drizzled it over the tops of my cooled loaves.

See? Beauty. You could probably do the same thing just by melting chocolate chips and drizzling those over. That'd be simpler. I'll try to remember that the next time I'm NOT BEING A DOOFUS.

Enjoy!

Tracksters

It's that time of year! What time, you ask?

Track time.

If you remember the struggle from last season, you may be a bit surprised we're running again this year. I'm nothing if not consistent in my abuse of my kids. Here's the conversation we had a couple of weeks ago.

"Hey kids! Guess what starts this week?"

"What, Mom?" (They were excited at this point.)

"TRACK! Practices start on Thursday! Isn't that AWESOME?"

There was silence and then it started.

"I don't want to do track."

"I don't like track."

"Mo-om - that's on Fridays. That's when we play Wii."

Oh for crying out loud. Wii? Wii? Are you kidding me? You don't want to do track because you'll miss playing Wii for a couple of hours? For that reason alone, you will do track. And by the way - there is no track on Fridays, so your whining is for nothing.

So. We practice twice a week and had our first meet yesterday. In the rain. And the cold. The only thing missing was hail. I would have said uncle if there was hail. And stayed home and made my kids cocoa.

Instead we packed a cooler of food and put the cocoa in a thermos. I even made myself a latte to fortify myself for the event. And off we went to Ridgefield. In the rain. And the cold. Wait, I already said that. Sheesh, now I'm whining.

It was a club meet - not associated with a school - and each child pays $4 to participate in 3 events. Daniel didn't want to do anything. He wanted to hang out and wait for his friend Joey, who wasn't running either. This from my child who learned to love track last year. Daniel likes to warm up to new things. He doesn't jump in confidently like the other two. So I caved and said he could watch. Then all I heard from Matthew and Katie was, "How come Daniel doesn't have to run and we do?" To which I responded in a very mature and reasonable manner, "Are you the parent? Huh? Who's the mom? Are you questioning my parenting skills?" And they just looked at me like I was speaking Cambodian.

Anyway, we were cold and wet and had to stand in line to pay. After paying, I stood in line to get the kids' track shirts. Then Katie started crying. Let me tell you, nobody can cry like my girl. She doesn't wail and pitch a fit - she stands quietly, shoulders shaking with big silent tears rolling down her face. So I found myself caving, yet again. "OK, Katie. Fine. Sit in the stands."

In the meantime, Matthew was saving our seats in the stands. He likes to be comfortable so he was sitting on the comfy seat cushion. But he leaned back too far, lost his balance and hit his head on the bleacher behind him. In the process, he dumped over my latte. Then, he started crying. When I saw the puddle of former latte, narrowly missing my camera case, I wanted to cry too. Instead, I brought all three of my angel children's faces very close to mine and said, in a very sweet and loving way,

"I am ready to go home and leave all of you here. No more whining. No more crying. There is no crying in track."

Fortunately, my friend Davi was there and I sought some much-needed parenting advice. After that, I laid down the law to all three kids which was -

"If you don't participate it's gonna cost you. Cold, hard cash baby. You will be fined."

I still let Daniel slide because I'd made the deal with him before we went, but the other two suddenly had a strong desire to run track! Interesting, no? Matthew did turbo jav and Katie ran the 100m.

Katie patiently stood in the rain, waiting for her heat.

Nice form, huh? She's very precise about the way she holds her arms.

SWEET! Especially the smile . . .

Here are the sweet angels, with Davi's son, Liam. They had all eaten, finished their events and were drying out. There were full tummies and happy chatter and goofing off.

Don't you just love track meets?

Fat Friday: Mexican Lasagna

Awhile back I held a little give-away here at Karenpie. To be entered to win, you had to leave a comment about your favorite thing to make in the kitchen. Let me tell you - I LOVED reading about the things you guys like to whip up in the kitchen! It's a sure thing, isn't it? I mean, if you find yourselves making things over and over, it's usually because they're a hit, right?

So the fact that you'd share your sure things with me made me feel very special. And pudgy.

I made Jenni's Pumpkin Bread which is heavy and dense and unbelievably moist. It doesn't have egg in it. Interesting, no? I think that made the spices even more fragrant. My family gobbled it down.

I've made the Ellie's Rotel Dip about a thousand times. It goes together fast and I try to keep the ingredients on hand so I can whip up a batch for emergency situations. Now there's a thought. Emergency dip. It becomes an emergency when I make it because - seriously, folks - I can eat the whole thing.

I haven't made Patti's Irish Brown Bread but I've eaten it and it's AWESOME. Neither have I made Hannah's Lasagna or Jenn's Deep Dark Chocolate Cake but they're in queue. I've eaten some of Jenn's other treats and she is completely trustworthy. Try these sometime.

That brings me to my Mom's Mexican Lasagna. I've been eating this for years and it's a hearty, flavorful meal. You want to know how to make it? Come with me, my hungry friends. It's Mexican Lasagna for dinner tonight!

You'll need these ingredients and I'll bet you already have them. See how easy I make it for you guys? I'm all about making your lives more tranquil. Here goes:

1 lb. hamburger

1/2 onion, chopped

2 large garlic cloves

1 c. sour cream

1-1/2 c. cottage cheese

1-4 oz. can chopped chilies, drained

2 t. cumin

4-5 large tortillas

2-3 c. grated pepper jack cheese

2-3 c. salsa

Brown the hamburger, chopped onion and garlic together. You can put the garlic through a press or chop it - whatever you want. Personally, I use this . . .

. . . my second favorite kitchen tool. I use this for garlic, lemon zest, parmesan cheese and grated chocolate. But not all together. That would be disgusting. Not that being disgusting has ever stopped me before.

By the way, have I told you guys lately that I love you? Seriously. That you keep coming back even when I show you pictures of maggots and dog doo - that's true love. You deserve better but then, that's what the Mexican Lasagna is for, isn't it?

Moving on.

Peel your garlic cloves and rub them on the Microplane.

The garlic is grated so finely it's almost a paste. It's perfect when you want to use garlic in salad dressings.

While that's cooking, mix the sour cream, cottage cheese, drained chilies and cumin together in a bowl.

Once the meat is cooked you're ready to assemble! This is the fun part.

Lightly grease a 9x13 pan. Spread a little of the salsa in the bottom, then put on a layer of tortillas. My tortillas were huge so I cut them in pieces and made a little tortilla puzzle on the salsa -

See? It doesn't have to look perfect, just make sure there's a solid layer.

Next, spread half the cottage cheese mixture on top of the tortillas . . .

. . . then half the meat mixture . . .

. . . salsa over the meat . . .

. . . and end with half of the pepper jack cheese.

Repeat the layers once more, ending with the cheese.

Pop it in a 350 degree oven for 30 minutes, to heat through. Then you can serve it with chips (my kids' favorite part) or a small salad. You could garnish it with guacamole or chopped lettuce or cilantro. Personally, I like mine garnished with a margarita.

Muy delicioso!

I learned that from Dora the Explorer.

Happy Friday!

I can't make up my mind

Should I keep all the ugly stuff I deal with to myself? Or do you want me to be real? Which is it? Real or gross? Make up your minds because I'm waiting . . . . . . still waiting . . . . . OK, FINE.

You get both.

Let's take a little trip around the yard, shall we? *WARNING* Some of the following photos may contain content that will disturb you. Oh heck, since I'm keeping it real I may as well say it - you're going to be grossed out. Now's your last chance to leave. Go visit Bakerella. She made cinnamon rolls.

Are you still here? OK, as a reward for your bravery, I'll put some pretty pictures in here too. To dilute the grossness.

Let's roll. I'll start with the pretty pictures first.

These flowers all came from our yard, picked by Katie. That girl of mine is a master flower picker. It smells so good! I think it's the white daffodils that smell so lovely.

I took a break from flower arranging to go grocery shopping and wandered out to the garden section at Fred Meyer. I was surrounded by flowers and starter vegetables and herbs. Around these parts you're not supposed to put plants in until Mother's Day or until all the snow has melted off Silver Star Mountain. I usually wait until Mother's Day to be sure but the temptation was too much.

I came. I saw. I used my American Express.

I'm living life on the edge, man. I'm pushing the envelope. I'm living life in the fast lane because I planted flowers in my planter boxes on April 18th. Woo hoo. I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal, huh?

I got scarlet and hot pink geraniums and white bacopa. I love the way the bacopa spills over the sides of the planters.

I also got a rhubarb plant. Now this I'm really excited about! My very own rhubarb! No more sneaking around in the dead of night, wearing camo and night vision goggles and stealing it out of people's yards.

WAIT. Did I say that? I meant, after I GOT PERMISSION FROM THE HOMEOWNER. Yes, that's what I meant to say. Anyway, how long does it take for rhubarb to mature? How long will it take for this little, dinky plant to get big enough to produce enough stalks for me to make rhubarb butter? Anybody know? Please educate me.

Duane helped me get the garden boxes ready. Let me just say, nothing - I mean NOTHING - wears me out faster than digging and shoveling. Why am I such a wimp? I've been doing Pilates for 8 months. I expect more.

I dug out my chives and thyme and put them over by the fence. I also dug out an oregano that gets so big it shadows everything in the box but here's a tip: you want to attract bees and other pollinators to your garden? Plant oregano. The bees around here love it. Once it starts blooming, there's a constant hum of activity and buzzing on the oregano.

I'm going to wait to plant my seeds on Mother's Day. I just can't do it sooner - too dangerous. I'm putting in 2 kinds of beans - French to eat and Blue Lakes to can. I didn't have much luck canning my French beans last year. They got mushy. Won't make that mistake again.

And now, since I have two full boxes to work with, what should I plant? Besides the beans, I mean. Beans and carrots are a given. Zucchini usually ends up in the garden too. I've given up on tomatoes. For some reason I can't grow them so I said "uncle" a couple of years ago and now I let Bizi Farms do the work.

My beautiful boxes are ready to go! Except for getting some chicken poop to work into the soil. Nice segue, huh? You knew the grossness was just around the corner . . . .

I took a spin around the yard, checking on everything. My dahlias are coming up and that's fun, seeing them poke their green heads up through the soil. I know in a couple of months I'll have beautiful flowers all along the back of the house!

But wait - what's this? Where are the leaves? Why are some of the stalks chewed off? SLUGS. The slugs have been eating my dahlias those bastards. No more Mrs. Nice Guy. Time for chemicals.

Now I have these lovely crop circles around my dahlia plants. And look -

Dead slugs. Teach you to mess with me you - you - bastards.

And the grossness isn't over. I did some weeding too. The weeds were especially bad by the back door. Probably because of the extra fertilizer . . . .

Can you see the two mouse bodies? There's a regular rodent graveyard right outside my back door. I made the mistake of moving one of them. Do you see what looks like small, white grains of rice below the gray fur? Well, those grains weren't rice. You know how I could tell? BECAUSE THEY WERE MOVING, THAT'S WHY. Gag, gag, gag. Maggots, right outside my back door. I took care of that problem rather quickly.

There were the mortal remains of four mice in the area. Or voles or shrews. Kinda hard to tell at this point. Our outside kitty, Krissy, is apparently quite the hunter. And she likes to share her trophies with us. Isn't that considerate?

"What? You're not impressed? What's wrong with you people?"

"I worked hard to bring those home to you. You're not very appreciative."

"So quit your whining . . .

. . and wake me up when you're ready to a) pet me or b) feed me. Now go weed something."

Fat Friday: Milk Chocolate Brownies

Over the years I have conducted many recipe searches. These searches have always had a "Best Of" theme. You know - the best spaghetti sauce or chocolate cake, the best biscuits or the best cornbread. The recipe had to be from scratch and had to meet my high standards. Which would be . . . um, that they tasted really good.

Brownies were my first official search. I love, love, LOVE brownies and I have a ton of recipes. Some use sour cream, some use chocolate squares, some use cocoa powder. Some are caky, some fudgey. Personally, I like dense, rich fudgey brownies with strong chocolate flavor.

These brownies usually meet those criteria and they're awesome. They're also a little pricey, especially if you get the single serving box in the grocery store. Please note the "makes 6 batches" on the front of the box. The only way to buy this brand of brownie mix is in the huge Costco size. They are incredible.

But I also love to make homemade brownies. When I graduated from nursing school and moved out on my own, I went on a search for the Best Brownies Ever. And I found them. My roommate, Connie, gave me a brownie cookbook (wish I could remember the name) for my birthday and this recipe was in the book.

Oh my are they good.

Seriously. In the history of brownies in the universe, these are the best. Fudgey and chocolatey and buttery. And it's your lucky day because I'm sharing them with you! Let's get busy.

You'll need:

3/4 c. flour

1/4 t. salt

1/4 t. baking soda

1/3 c. butter - no substitutions, people. Trust me.

3/4 c. sugar

2 T. milk

2 c. good quality milk chocolate chips, divided (a 12 0z. bag)

1 t. vanilla

2 eggs

optional - 1 c. toasted, chopped nuts - I like walnuts the best

Combine the flour, salt and baking soda and set aside.

Melt the butter, milk and sugar together over med-low heat, stirring frequently. When it's just to a boil, remove from heat and immediately stir in 1 cup of the chocolate chips.

The chips will melt quickly and the mixture will be smooth and glossy. And so pretty you'll take a picture of it. Then, while you're trying to hold the pan with one hand and focus the camera with the other hand, you'll accidently flip the chocolate-covered spatula out onto the floor . . .

. . . and this will happen. And you'll try not to cuss and feel bad that you've wasted some lovely, melted chocolate and then you'll tell yourself your floor is perfectly clean and try to justify, in some psycho way, licking your floor. I never would but you definitely will. Lick your floor, I mean.

Transfer the chocolate mixture to a large bowl and stir in the eggs, one at a time, then the flour mixture and the vanilla.

Fold in the remaining cup of chocolate chips and the nuts too, if you don't have picky kids who won't eat nuts in brownies.

Pour the batter into a greased 9x9 pan. Bake 30 - 35 minutes at 325 degrees.

Serve warm to your fan club. Accept marriage proposals and be prepared for complete strangers to hurl engagement rings at you.

You're a rock star now.